I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I would move hell over six inches for you
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position