Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Pat is about to own someone
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!