I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day