me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
This is hilarious….
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.