Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Who chose this font
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Seas the day!!!!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?