Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
This is painfully accurate 😅
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
My Sentiments Exactly