Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’ve been drinking.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I saw this ending much differently.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*