I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?