*swipes right on my hand mirror
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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I don鈥檛 like the person you become when I鈥檓 on my period.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Running from your problems is cardio .
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Son: We鈥檙e having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That鈥檚 for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
This sweet pup found a new friend 馃枻
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C鈥橫ON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
you鈥檙e so productive for your wage
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
How am I today? Well it鈥檚 officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t