Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor roomđ
You Might Also Like
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My wifeâs stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
â︿â
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
âIâm so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Webâ, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: itâs ok i wonât tell anyone.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
this is funnier than any friends episode
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’ve seen:
â˘UFOs
â˘Ghosts
â˘A Two Headed Turtle
â˘Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.