tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Everything reminds me of my ex
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.