Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Worst Native American name ever.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.