Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Yes
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.