looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
She: I like Cats
He:
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.