Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
gm
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.