humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
What flavor cupcake are these
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.