when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Gods work.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.