Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
channeling her this year
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
That earthquake could have been an email.
BaD BoY!!
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going