“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it