I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
You Might Also Like
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”