I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
i think both sides are to blame here
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.