My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
me working on my assignments ^-^
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I would like even faster food.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
This was the best day of my life
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Can’t. Being lazy.