I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.