WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”