When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
A Match(.com), but for socks.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping