I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.