Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake