ready to be harvested
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Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved