You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You Might Also Like
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife