Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Scream sneezers need love too.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!