Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Bit chilly again tonight.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes