Growing out my freckles.
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Why am I like this?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
listen closely
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.