Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Every photo I’m tagged in
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.