[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
tinder is all about the long game
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
we all know this pain all too well
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn