Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
You Might Also Like
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼