Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)