Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.