If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Good dog. ❤️
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.