Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
You Might Also Like
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.