How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
You Might Also Like
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Worst perfume name ever.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win