Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”