This might be the funniest tweet ever
You Might Also Like
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
fourth time’s the charm
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.