Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry