“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Twitter fine art
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.