I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998