As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
HBO
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HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
This is what makes twitter great
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls