“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Happy Star Wars day!
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
In case you needed to hear it:
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.