Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
shut up and take my money
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”