Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!