WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
What’s a Messi?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.